Sometimes it's okay not to be okay

I can't remember which kind soul once told me this.

It was in the days I was blogging about mental health, having worked with a branch of Mind.

Now I have found myself reflecting on this simple yet striking sentiment many times in recent weeks.

I have been having the most vile flashbacks to things that happened to our family and feeling overwhelmed by sadness. My memory continues to be very problematic. This has made my usual daily routine of writing and looking after customers, almost impossible.

Being keen to continue at work has created more problems than it has solved. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I so want to wave a magic wand, to feel okay, to live life to the fullest for me, my children and my lovely Neil, and find it very hard to accept that it's not possible. So I end up beating myself up for being useless. This has to stop.

Last night as I lay in bed, memories cascaded through my mind. But they were happy memories. This has to be a step forward. I have been trapped a little in bad, bad memories, genuine, aching trauma that my mind and body has struggled to process.

After an initial burst of getting on with things at work and declaring I was now going to be 'braver' in business as a result of my situation, I have come to a grinding halt.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, I can't make my mind up which) medical professionals agree. I am clear and they are clear, that I'm not depressed, but I continue to feel anxious and invent negative scenarios purely through stress. My GP sent me to an emotional well-being service (lovely name, so much better than mental health) where I burst into tears at the start of the session, when the question "Who do you live with?" was the trigger. It didn't take long to be told I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

People who care about me asked what happened next and how this will be treated. It makes me laugh that actually I can't remember! I think I'm on a waiting list.

Meanwhile I fight every urge that says PTSD is a load of nonsense and urges me to get a grip.

I've also been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, following in the footsteps of close family members. My high blood sugar levels have affected how tired I have been feeling and I'm on medication.

This makes me feel crap too - I have been overweight for far too long. But the tablets are working and I am starting to feel more alert. The connotations of laziness and greed that lie behind a Type 2 diabetes diagnosis inevitably play on my mind but I have to be positive and optimistic about my health. For me and my girls it's imperative, now more than ever, that I continue to lose weight (I am a good two and a half stone lighter than I have been.) I don't want to stay on the medication long term and have already significantly lowered my blood sugar through a change in eating habits.

So often I have dished out advice, to family and friends that they need to be kind to themselves.
I need to do the same.

I've been told everything I'm doing, including work and going on holiday is a distraction and that I need to grieve properly. "Shut the door and cry," were the exact words.

So that's what I have been doing. My head feels like it's full of candy floss. 

I've also booked some complementary therapy. What would I say to a friend who has been through all I have? I'd say give yourself a break and stop judging yourself so harshly. Give yourself permission to take time to heal.

Grief is something that has to be let in properly to then be let out, this I try to understand. When I think about what I'm still seeing, I have to acknowledge overcoming that needs strength. But that strength means being strong enough not to pretend to be okay. My neighbour tells me even being upright when faced with such pain is an incredible achievement. 

I need to start to believe her.

It's okay to not 'get a grip' or 'get on with things' or pull myself together sometimes. I am doing my best and that will have to be good enough.

Thanks for reading. 

27 comments:

  1. Love you Linda. Sending lots of cwtches your way.xx

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  2. I think we live in such a fast-paced world that our expectations when it comes to recovering from loss and traumatic events has got really skewed: you're absolutely right, you need time to heal. Lots of it. You're about as close to Superwoman as it gets, chuck, but even Superwoman would need plenty of time to come to terms with such a huge loss. Hope you're able to follow your own excellent (as ever) advice xxxx

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    1. You're too kind Jo but yes I think it is skewed and so is the fact discussing grief seems such an outlandish thing to do, it shouldn't have to be hidden away.

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  3. Keep going. You are a wonderful woman. There has to be something for you after experiencing all that pain and I hope you find it soon.x

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    1. Bless you, thanks Suzie. I have something very good coming up and hope to write about it here xxx

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  4. Be kind to yourself Linda you find yourself in a strange new space in life and one you don't want to be in, it all takes time, go your own way at your own pace lovely. Lots of love & hugs, Claire xxx

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  5. Thanks Claire, it's one I struggle to believe I'm in as well, I am getting there and I know what Neil wanted. I do feel like I'm letting him down.

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  6. What a brave and honest post. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad your doctor is understanding and able to recognise that you are suffering from PTSD rather than depression. I have seen two friends go through this after the death of a loved one and I myself suffered after my son's birth. I did not get a diagnosis and I imagine you must feel some relief? I'm also glad you're giving yourself time to grieve. I wish you all the peace and love that you need
    xxx

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    1. Hi Susanne, thank you, that's really kind of you. I wrote about the differences between grief and depression for a magazine, I must dig that out xx

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  7. I think you are amazing to blog about this. I am pleased that you have a supportive doctor. Lots of love and hugs x

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  8. Thanks Kelly, that is very sweet of you to say, I do hope that these posts can be helpful in some way some day for someone.

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  9. It was me who said it's ok not to be ok. Take it a step at a time, go easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and remember you have people cheering you on at every step.

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    1. Thanks a million, I feel I should add something about 'please reveal yourself to me' but that would be just wrong.

      Seriously though you can see your wise words have hit home xxx

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  10. Thoughts with you and your family.

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  11. If it helps, if I think of you, I think of crying with laughter, eating, drinking and screaming on silly roller coasters. All positive. Hope it gives you a glimmer in the dark x x

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  12. Hope you're doing your **** face.

    Thanks Becky, I'm turning a corner xxx

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    1. Haha I'm doing it just for you ;) With you every step Jonesy x x

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  13. I think you have done the right thing, giving yourself time to grieve. It must be so hard when life has to go on for those around you and when you have responsibilities with regard to work and bringing up your children. Thankfully you are learning not to be so hard on yourself because that will benefit everyone else in the long term.

    I know my mum has been able to take as much time as she needs to be sad and remember and grieve but she is on her own now, able to decide what she does each day depending on how she feels. It does mean she can get lonely but there is less pressure on her to 'get on with things'.

    Keep writing and know that people still care and still think about you xx

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    1. Thanks Trish, yes there are so many pressures of day to day life, they have seemed exaggerated for me in recent weeks, it's exhausting. Lots of love to you and your mum. It has helped me again to know people are reading and responding so thoughtfully.

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  14. One of the many bitches of grief is the feeling of doing the right thing consistently escaping you. You can completely 'know' you are treading the right path, only to have this doubting mechanism in your brain. Even when people tell you that you are absolutely going about things correctly a part of you will doubt those words. So not sure it helps to add my endorsement of your decisions, but I'm going to do it anyway.

    Plus, like you say, it's fine to not be okay, and to get it wrong. How else do we learn? You can see now that you were possibly distracting yourself, which is fantastic self-awareness, and you now take a different and better - for now - route.

    Top bombing Linda.

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    1. Thank you Ian and thanks for listening, again x

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  15. Sending you much love, Linda.x

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