This time last year

Tucking into mouth-watering seafood in a plush Welsh hotel restaurant, Neil beamed with happiness and pride on our twin daughters’ 13th birthday.

We watched peacocks strut past the window.

"Why do they have those colourful feathers?” asked our daughter Melissa. Neil smiled and explained why the birds fanned their blue-green tails.

“Don’t you love the way Dad knows this stuff?” I laughed to Melissa and her twin sister, Emily, savouring our meal at Ruthin Castle, Denbighshire.

It was a fantastic night.

Our enjoyment was made all the better because our stay was part of an expenses paid trip as guests of a local tourist organisation for our family travel site Have a Lovely Time. 

I wrote in my review that when you think of a weekend away with the family, North Wales Borderlands possibly isn’t somewhere that first pops into your head – as there’s no beach in paddling distance.

Taking two teenage daughters and hoping to keep them entertained all weekend can be difficult at times, wherever it is. But this area was jam-packed with adventures, I said. I added that the luxury that we stayed in was brilliant and provided us with some precious memories to treasure.

Little did I know how much I would want to cling on to those memories. 

We stayed our first night in Celyn Villa, a lovely little B&B near Holywell, with the breathtaking Clwydian Hills and Moel Famau as a backdrop.

Pauline and Les who run the B&B really made a fuss of us, with balloons, cake and chocolate  for the girls, as well as preparing a succulent steak dinner.

Wherever we went we had a standing joke about how a posh breakfast was the best thing about our stay. But breakfast time on our latest trip brought a new worry.

Neil was in pain. He feared he’d hurt his back playing golf.

We were supposed to be climbing nearby Moel Famau. When Neil said he couldn’t manage it, I knew things were serious. As our girls ran ahead, I huffed and puffed my way up and took in the wonderful view.

Then tears came, I was so worried about Neil and what on earth may have been wrong.

But I had no clue what life had in store and how cruel it could be.

Two days after coming home Neil was finding it hard to breathe. We were sent to New Cross Hospital, Wolverhampton.

That's when our nightmare began. Neil went through so much and we were there with him for every step. It's too painful for me to write about and I am still getting flashbacks.

This year, as our girls approach their birthday, it's five months since we lost Neil. I am inconsolable that he isn't here to see his beautiful girls on their special day and besides myself with sadness that they have only known their amazing, loving, decent dad for 13 years.

I am doing my best to look forward to all we have planned with love and hope and to keep going day by day.

But it's not easy.

Thank you for reading.


29 comments:

  1. It's not easy, but I do believe that writing about it and sharing it is the best thing you can do. With much love to you all. R x

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    1. Thank you, it is definitely helping - I needed to get that out! Supportive comments also help so thank you Rachael xx

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  2. Happy Birthday to your two gorgeous girls.

    Please do keep writing. It provides so much support for others who are bereaved and is also invaluable for those of us who want to know how to help relatives and friends who are travelling the same path as you, Linda.

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  3. Thank you Trish, I'm going to try. x

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  4. Oh what a beautiful post. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel but I wonder whether writing about it will start to help you understand it all a little better. They say that time doesn't heal, it simple puts more distance between you and the painful event but at the same time I'm sure that this helps- to have space to breathe and to think and to write. It sounds as though you and your husband were very much in love and your daughter will grow up knowing that too. xxx

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    1. Thank you Susanne, I was very against writing about any of it, but I have gone all the other way now! It is definitely helping - I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops how much I love him xx

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  5. what a beautiful but poignant post. I can't begin to imagine the emotions you all go through, but I hope that one day you and your girls will look back at these posts and remember a rush of happy memories from reading all these lovely things about Neil. As hard as it must be to write things down, I personally think that getting what is in our heads out onto paper helps to deal with things???

    You can see the love that surrounded you all as a family just from reading.

    xxxx

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    1. Bless you thanks that's such a lovely comment, we have so many precious memories and sometimes thinking about them can make me laugh or smile. Losing someone as we have lost Neil though sadly means at other times thinking of such memories makes me angry, that he's not still here. We have a pic of the four of us swimming with dolphins and sometimes when I look how happy Neil is, I am overcome xx

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  6. Linda, you made me cry but whilst my tears are no consolation, you should know that you have a network of people that totally admire your strength and courage at writing this. I wish your daughters every happiness on their birthday xx

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    1. Thank you Donna, it doesn't feel brave at all, I'm just doing my best, day by day and sometimes hour by hour. I suppose I should start to understand it may be a bit brave as a temptation to sit at home and do nothing is quite strong.

      I'm surrounded by love from friends, family and a bonkers Jack Russell. This is a good thing :)

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  7. I have typed this comment 6 times. eraisng it becuase it sounded silly, or too much. Then I came away and thought - on , type something, because something is better than nothing. When I lost my dad people didn't know what to say - but something was better than nothing.

    So although my something is a bit of a ramble - I hope you know your words touched me and that today you made me think about how quickly things can change and to live and love each day.

    Fi

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    1. Hi Fi, thank you, not at all rambling. It's genuinely lovely to read comments like yours to know people are reading and touched. Things can change far too quickly, we have to make the most of all the time we have.

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  8. I thought you showed such courage writing this poignant post and I hope in a small way it has helped.

    We are all here to listen and support you xxxx

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    1. Thank you so much Wendy, that's such a lovely thing to say xx

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  9. What a moving post. I think even putting (some of) your pain into words has a benefit. The love for your family shines through. IT is horribly unfair when someone is taken from you far, far too early. It makes you question everything. But you are clearly trying to be positive for your girls, and reading the love you have for your husband and your children is beautiful. Best wishes to you all. x

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    1. Thank you Maxi, it's good for me to know people can be moved by our experience. I certainly do want to go on with optimism and hope, grief comes over me in waves I find xx

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  10. I'm not entirely sure what to write either except to say that it must be very hard and it is great that you are thinking about the future whilst not forgetting how much love you had. My thoughts are with your twins too as it must be difficult for them ( I lost my father at 18 and that was hard enough). I hope that you all manage to enjoy their birthday. (We also joke about posh breakfasts on holidays!!)

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    1. Thank you for your kindness, lots of love to you, can't beat a full Enhlish! Xxxx

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  11. Gosh. Neil would be exceptionally proud of all of you. Make the girls' birthday a day to celebrate that, if you can. He'd want you to think of him and have fun, I'm sure. In fact, do something a little crazy. I'm sure he's love that. Thinking of you xx

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  12. Hey Rosie thanks, we're going to have a fab day, and are heading off for exotic climes very shortly after, we also have a press trip lined up straight after Xmas, that gives us something to look forward to and was exactly what Neil wanted xxxx

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  13. Happy birthday to your girls. I'm sure Neil would want them to have the best birthday ever.

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  14. Thank you Laura, that's very sweet of you to say.

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  15. It'll be a bittersweet birthday that's for sure, but your lovely girls are a reflection of both you and Neil and he'll be looking down on them with pride I'm sure xx

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  16. Thank you Jean, they have a lot of their Dad in them for sure - which will never cease to bring me joy x

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  17. That must have been a tough post to write. My husband drives me mad most of the time, but reading this makes me realise how lucky I am and how fragile everything is. You are obviously an amazing woman and the twins are lucky to have you and I hope that slowly you will be able to piece your lives back together. Much love x

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  18. Thank you xxx - not amazing though, just getting on xx please do treasure your time together, as they say, life really is too short.

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  19. Linda, I am with you in spirit if not in person. We mark milestones in time as it passes, with awareness and deja vu of shared moments with our partners. 3rd November will be hard for me, it's a big fiesta here in Panama - Independence Day - also it would have been our 39th anniversary. Marv and I used to joke - Panama always celebrates the fact that we moved here with a big countrywide party on our anniversary. I plan to go to the small parade in the local village as we normally did. There will be one or two drum and xylophone corps comprised of children from the schools, many people on horses, both thoroughbred and working horses, the mayor, very proud to be mayor even of such a tiny community and that will be about it. But I will cheer on the parade, especially the kids - just as we have done together for the last nine years. Five weeks and counting. Please, somebody, tell Linda and I that it gets a little easier with time.
    Linda, Thank You so Much for Putting My Feelings Into Words. It helps.
    My Love to You and The Girls
    Marion in Panama

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    1. Hi Marion thank you again for such a heartfelt and thoughtful comment. I have felt so much like hiding away this week but I have got on with so many things. We go on holiday tomorrow, I'm exhausted. Thanks to the magic of the Internet though, I will be thinking of you on November 3, which is also my closest friend's birthday, lots of love to you too, be kind to yourself. Xxx

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  20. Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry to read about your loss. I wish there were some words I could say to give you some strength.

    I also have twin daughters (and a singleton daughter) and am currently battling Thyroid Cancer (this is my 2nd Cancer - after Leukaemia as a child). Cancer is an evil bastard. I have now been told they want to remove a mole on my neck and I am just praying it isn't a third Cancer.

    I have cried reading your story and think myself very lucky that I am still here. I am going to run Race For Life in July (hoping I'm well enough).

    Sending you huge virtual hugs and wishing there was something I could say, to help heal your pain. xx

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